Words I will never say, messages I will never send, things you will never know.
Falling in love with you was the worst choice I made. It wasn’t even a choice, just something that took over my life. And now I don’t think we can come back from it. Being your friend is far too hard for me right now. I am no longer the friend you want or deserve.
I can’t be in a room with you without feeling a sheer dread, a panic that consumes me, for I see all we could have been, all that I lost. See thats the thing with unrequited love, you mourn this image you created for yourself, this life that you pictured, the life you wanted so bad. Your ideal world where you are blissfully happy and he looks at you the way you see him look at her.
What you don’t know is a fire burns in my chest every time I see you and her. I have never envied someone this much before. That’s why I can’t be you friend. I can’t pretend I am happy for you, I can’t be a true friend, I will never see you guys as a good thing and that isn’t fair. I could never make you choose but you chose and therefore I have to remove myself from the situation. And if that means I have to leave the room every time I see you then so be it. I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t. I am not okay. I am done pretending to be okay when I am not.
I don’t hate you. I don’t blame you for anything. There is nothing you did wrong. You did your best to handle the situation. You did your best to protect me. I just can’t handle it though. I can’t watch you love someone else.
I will forever be thinking of the exact moment I lost you, or trying to live with the fact I never really had you. And while this still haunts me, I can’t be your friend.