23:45 11/05/17

Words I will never say, messages I will never send, things you will never know.

 

Falling in love with you was the worst choice I made. It wasn’t even a choice, just something that took over my life. And now I don’t think we can come back from it. Being your friend is far too hard for me right now. I am no longer the friend you want or deserve.

I can’t be in a room with you without feeling a sheer dread, a panic that consumes me, for I see all we could have been, all that I lost. See thats the thing with unrequited love, you mourn this image you created for yourself, this life that you pictured, the life you wanted so bad. Your ideal world where you are blissfully happy and he looks at you the way you see him look at her.

What you don’t know is a fire burns in my chest every time I see you and her. I have never envied someone this much before. That’s why I can’t be you friend. I can’t pretend I am happy for you, I can’t be a true friend, I will never see you guys as a good thing and that isn’t fair. I could never make you choose but you chose and therefore I have to remove myself from the situation. And if that means I have to leave the room every time I see you then so be it. I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t. I am not okay. I am done pretending to be okay when I am not.

I don’t hate you. I don’t blame you for anything. There is nothing you did wrong. You did your best to handle the situation. You did your best to protect me. I just can’t handle it though. I can’t watch you love someone else.

I will forever be thinking of the exact moment I lost you, or trying to live with the fact I never really had you. And while this still haunts me, I can’t be your friend.

11:57 03/04/17

So I’ve been convinced I have been doing well in trying to move on and get over my feelings for my friend. I have been told how well I cope with the situation and I have praised myself on how I have managed to cope with maintaining such a close friendship with someone I like so much.

But then today I think the cold hard reality hit me. He was talking to his other best friend about his evening when his best friend let it slip that he had been out with the girl he had been seeing before. Now I thought they had left it that they’re just friends, and maybe they have, but either way it hit me quite hard. I instantly just felt like shit because it just reminds me again that I won’t ever be that girl, that girl that he takes out to nice places, that he makes time to see properly, that he smiles when he talks about. And I am so content with our friendship, I am happy with how close we are, but it’s moments like today when I realise that no matter how much hope I retain, maybe it won’t ever happen, maybe we will never be more than this.

And I guess that just hurts, because I do try, I will always try to show him how good it will be, to show him that I care and how much I think of him. But yet I won’t ever be his priority, there will always be another girl he likes more, who is better than me.

We may not ever be more than this.

13:01 02/04/17

“Real life is a funny thing, you know. In real life, saying the right thing at the right moment is beyond crucial. So crucial, in fact, that most of us start to hesitate, for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But lately what I’ve began to fear more than that is letting the moment pass without saying anything.”

“But if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say, you’ll know it. I don’t think you should wait. I think you should speak now.”

(Speak Now, Taylor Swift)

These words have stuck with me since I very first read them at fifteen. As I grew older they started to mean even more to me and now I would say they are words I live by.

We all live in fear of saying certain things, because once words have been said you can never take them back. But sometimes things have to be said, sometimes you have to bite the bullet and be honest with yourself and other people about how you feel. Yes, you might end up embarrassed, yes,  you may not get the response you want, but if you never say anything then you’ll never know, you’ll never move forward.

In life, if you do the same things, you’ll always get the same responses. Nothing changes unless you change your approach to a situation. Sometimes you have to face situations and just have honest and frank conversations.

I would never say use words in anger or say something you know will hurt somebody, that’s not what I mean, I think you need to be honest but obviously, you have to be mindful that you aren’t going to hurt somebody.

The reason I am such an advocate of saying how you feel is because it allows you to tackle situations that aren’t working, or that have caused upset or issues. There is no point avoiding a situation purely because it is hard or emotional. I alway think you should tackle it, when you’re ready of course but avoiding it won’t help.

I have done this recently, and it was very very hard, but it meant everybody involved was on the same page and had all their cards on the table, which was a way better situation to be in then having to handle all the hard stuff by myself.

So my advice in life would always be to speak now. The only words you’ll regret more than those used to intentionally hurt someone, are the words left unsaid.

21:36 25/02/17

“I just want to say you’re mine, you’re mine, f**k what you’ve heard you’re mine, you’re mine” (Mine, Beyoncé)

I am still struggling with things involving this guy I like. I know it seems a lot of my blog is taken up by me whining about him but I suppose it is an accurate representation of what is going on in my head.

Stuff is so confusing with him. The reason I chose to open with those lyrics is because that is how I am feeling right now. I do feel like he’s mine and I guess to some extent he is. It just isn’t clear in what regard.

There is such a connection, such a vibe with us. We act like a couple. Everyone around us picks up on it. My friends say ‘when you’re together, its like it is just you two in the room’. I know it seems cliche but that’s genuinely what has been said. I just don’t know what to make of it anymore.

I’ve tried to spend less time with him so I can get over him but it is so hard, because he is my best friend so naturally we spend a lot of time together. I suppose I just need to give up hope and accept it won’t happen. But this vibe cannot be just in my head, he must feel it too. It’s like a chemistry we have.

All I can do is carry on and keep a glimmer of hope that he does feel it too and does realise that something wonderful could come of this.

I am falling in love with him and it terrifies me.

 

00:08 23/02/17

I have some late night thoughts I need to get off my chest…

So over the last few nights the guy I’m falling in love with has just been confusing the hell out of me. He doesn’t intend to play mind games at all, I know he doesn’t but he somehow manages to play with my head.

He keeps asking really powerful loaded questions. but at times when we are talking about situations involving me and him. Last night he was interrogating me about dating, but just after I mentioned him being annoyed that I went on a date with someone else (this happened months ago by the way). At first it felt like he was accusing me of giving up on him, like he felt me going on the date was me giving up on anything with us. Obviously that upset me. Then he was just asking loads of general questions about dating more than one person and I was no longer sure what he was trying to tell me.

He insists he isn’t trying to tell me anything and he’s just curious. That could be true but what ridiculously careless timing. It’s all getting my hopes up again, which I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it.

It’s like he pulls a spider out his pocket and puts it on the table, I then freak out like ‘oh gosh why is there a spider on the table? How did it get there?’ and he’s just like ‘Oh it’s fine, it’s just a spider, accept it and chill out’.

It’s a nightmare I swear!

I know I need to let go of any hope we will end up together but I cannot help but think he is considering it too. I know guys don’t think the same as girls but why would you ask so many ambiguous, loaded questions to a girl you know likes you, one you said you have contemplated being with, unless you wanted to imply something?

Should you just not read between the lines? When do you give up hope? It is so hard.

 

“I might not be her, but I mean something to you”

20:11 15/02/17

So yesterday was Valentine’s Day and therefore I decided to reflect on my love life.

The only love I professed on Valentine’s was my love of carbs, I wore I love carbs socks and got a free subway.

They say you should fall in love with your best friend. As a girl who has done this twice now, I am not sure I would recommend it. I am sure when it works out, it is amazing because your partner should be your best friend. But being in unrequited love with your best friend is painful and messy.

However, please please please remain optimistic, you should always be open minded and optimistic when it comes to love, you have to believe in the happy ever after because I truly believe that everybody will get theres and for a lot of us you probably will end up with your best friend or with somebody who becomes your best friend and you happy ever after.

Right now, I am just struggling. I am slowly falling for my best friend and part of me truly thinks I have fallen in love with him and I just cannot see him feeling the same. A few months ago we contemplated making it more than  a friendship and we quickly closed that book, or at least he did. I can’t seem to remove the bookmark though. And it is so hard. I don’t want out friendship to change because we have always had a friendship that isn’t the norm. We are so close, we know we are best friends and I need that. But how do you continue a close male-female friendship when one of you really likes the other? I honestly don’t know.

I am trying to get over him, I really am but part of me cannot help but think he likes me too. He shows it so often. And yes, maybe he is just a nice guy and he could just be being a good friend but I can just feel the energy between us. That chemistry people have when they like one another.

It’s just all so complicated.

And to top it off, there is another girl. He has been quite casually dating somebody else. And seeing them together was about as painful as setting myself on fire. I can’t explain the feeling it gives me when I think about them together. I like the girl, she’s everything I want for him. So it isn’t an issue with her, it really isn’t. Its the idea that there is actually somebody out there who he thinks is better for him than me. He’s probably right, I cannot compete with this girl. She is beautiful, kind, charismatic, funny, clever- all the things I wish I could be for him. I wish I could offer him all that she could, and I would love to believe I can, but sadly he doesn’t see it.

But despite all of this, all I can say is ‘I might not be her but I mean something to you’ (Frank Ocean).

That’s truly the best way to summarise my thoughts. I know he likes her and he doesn’t think we can be more than friends but I know there’s something there, whatever may come of it, whatever it may be.

 

 

16:17 10/02/2017

Happy New Year to you all!

I haven’t posted in such a long time and I am really sorry! 3rd year law got on top of me and I have neglected this blog. I have just been having a mental time, good and bad.

As always, my life has stayed a never ending series of nightmares but in general the last few months have not been too bad. Once exams were over, me and my law girls went to Edinburgh for the weekend to celebrate one of the girls birthday. I had a wonderful time and met some wonderful people.

And so I got to thinking… (I feel like Carrie Bradshaw every time I type that)

It has been such a weird and wonderful year. In Edinburgh I was so genuinely happy and I realised that sometimes, the small things that bother you boys, drama, distract you from how many things you have that bring joy into your life.

I am so beyond blessed for the wonderful people I have in my life. I have so much to thank them for. They help me through all my issues and stand beside me in the wonderful moments in life.

I am still having a nightmare with men, I realised how strong and genuine my feelings are for my friend which is so annoying, as we basically closed that door. We actually spoke about it this year which was a development but that came to a swift, abrupt end. He started seeing someone else which was a tough new development. But he is my best friend and I am happy for him and I must not let my feelings cloud that.

Seeing them together has been about as painful as setting myself on fire but I have dealt with it.

It is all genuinely quite positive though, so I am pleased to come back with good news.

I will really try to keep posting now.

17:23 28/09/16

Have any of you ever been in a situation where your friend has done something you don’t morally agree with? I’m finding it hard to strike a balance between my own moral opinions and being a supportive friend and I think it’s a balance that people often find tricky.

In my mind part of being a friend is being able to tell your friend that you don’t agree with their actions but being able to support them regardless. I am trying my upmost to be compassionate and supportive and I’ll always have my friends’ backs, but how do you do that when you can’t agree with their actions?

I believe I am a person with integrity, I’m a girl of principle and strong moral opinions and that is something I will not change so how do I align that with being a supportive friend?

My issue is trying not to let my thoughts of ‘but that’s wrong, I don’t agree’ get in the way of a friendship. I would never ever want my friendships to change because my principles differ from my friends.

I’m trying to look past their actions I deem as wrong but what can you do when it changes your perception of a friend? Like for instance if you never saw your friend as a thief and then they stole something from you, then from that point you’d see them as a thief. That’s just a consequence of their actions, but where does it leave you?

 

 

 

13/09/16 11.20

New house, new academic year and new roommates.

A lot has happened over the last week or so. I’m so excited to be living with the girls I’ve moved in with but it almost felt a little bittersweet. I was quite anxious and sad to be leaving my parents as we have had quite an emotional summer. Especially after the ridiculous antics of Thursday.

On Thursday, I went out with my family and my best friend’s family, who are some of our oldest and closest family friends. It was to celebrate mine and my best friend’s 21st birthday as we were born on the same day. Then that night my sister decided to have a weird hissy fit and we all ended up screaming on the street. It was horrifically embarrassing and came from nowhere. I think with the amount we put up with because of my sister and her illness I found it so frustrating that she did it on the one day that was about me. I lost out on a lot of time and attention because of her being ill and  I just wanted one night to celebrate me. But oh well these things all shape me into who I am now.

It just made it quite hard to leave my parents as I felt like I was leaving them on funny terms with each other and feeling worried about my sister. There was just weird tension. I’m sure they’ll pull through because we are a strong family.

However I’m trying not to let that taint how I feel about this year because I will be living with my best friends which is so exciting and all in all it’s going so well. We get along so well. There’s just a slight divide between 3 of us and one of the girls. We are doing all we can to close this gap and we certainly don’t do anything to make it more significant, but through a series of odd behaviour and stupid decisions the gap exists. I think it’s making all of us feel slightly concerned but I’m hoping once we are all settled it’ll all be lovely and I’ll have an amazing year.

Oh and we are going to Dublin on Friday which should help.

Here’s to new beginnings.